Chinese Fantasy Basketball

December 01 2010

Thanks to freedarko, I found the Tablet’s wonderful challenge to pick the all-time Jewish starting five basketball team. As I discussed this with some friends, the challenge was posed to me to pick the all-time Chinese starting five. This was my response.

PG me: seriously, have you noticed how every Chinese PG ever literally craps his shorts whenever Dwyane Wade sets up a half-court press? Do we teach dribbling in China? at the very least, I have a killer nickname, right?

PG, Backup Woo Woo Wong: “Wong was known as one of the finest Chinese-American basketball players in his time” has to go down as one of the great backhanded compliments of our time, along with “Chewbacca was known as one of the finest Wookie orators in his time”.

SG Jeremy Lin: doubles as the smartest player on the team, and only the 3rd biggest douche (after Xing and Yi, and yes, damn straight that Xing just referred to himself in the 3rd person…it’s just Xing being Xing)..

SF Yi Jianlian: has the best nickname on the team (verbatim from Bill Simmons: There hasn’t been a more effective nickname in years. Not only does it sound like the right nickname for him (“Chairman Yi”), but the joke-trapped-inside-the-joke (during ESPN’s lottery show, there was video of Yi posting up actual chairs and spinning around them for layups) will never stop being funny. And when you think about it, we haven’t been able to call anyone “The Chairman” since Sinatra died. So it’s done – we’re calling Yi “The Chairman.” This meeting is adjourned).

PF Wang ZhiZhi: would allow everyone to make Wang jokes, though they probably would even without him on the team.

C Mengke Bateer: the greatest thespian on the team, and it’s not even close.

DNP-HAS NO FEET Yao Ming: on the plus side, if he has a daughter with his 6’3” wife, she will become the greatest basketball player of all time. Too bad she’ll have to toil in the WNBA. Although I seem to remember a certain someone that was able to make it big for the men’s squad…(side note: the girl from Hang Time, Daniella Deutscher, is 35 years old (!!!). This makes me feel three times as old as the day I found out Ken Griffey Jr retired and runs like an old Harrison Ford now).

Topics: basketball

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